That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
