the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
