I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
