1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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