Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
