seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
