we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
