god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
