I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
