By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
