Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
