Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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