I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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