Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
