So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
