Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
