You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize