I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
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