I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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