I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
