I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
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