i just sent this text using only my big toe
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
