My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
