I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
