Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
