Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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