Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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