god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
