My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm getting married
To pizza
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
