it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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