Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
