I wish I could teleport
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
