I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
