my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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