made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
