Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
