Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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