You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
