Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
