I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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