You can't special order awesome
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
