Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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