bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
