i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
