just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
