Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
im six kinds of drunk right now
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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