I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
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could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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