i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
