She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
