At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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