After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It's never too late to be topless.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
