He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
FUCK WHALES
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
