I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
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