U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
